Nordstrom sent me an email just now telling me “The Ten Things I Need for Spring.”

I am sending this reply to the great interweb world because Nordies doesn’t like it when you ‘reply’ to their emails.

Dear Norders,

I am so delighted for your announcement of the change of seasons! As there is currently more than four feet of snow piled in my yard, I hope you’ll forgive my snark, but unless one of the ten things you’re offering me is ACTUALLY spring, I’m not all that interested. That being said, I have taken your suggestions for the ten “necessities” under consideration and I have come to the following conclusions-

1. Jumpsuits. Jumpsuits?! Listen, I’m an Amazon. There is no jumpsuit configuration that doesn’t make me look like Lurch at a seventies costume party with a camel toe. Also, unless this jumpsuit previously belonged to DB Cooper and is stuffed full of $100 bills, there’s no way I’m going to add in all of the additional required pee time for a grown up’s onesie. The actual potty issues aside (I haven’t gotten completely naked to pee since I was three, I’m not reverting now),what happens when I need to execute a drunken, late night, shielded by giggling girlfriends, alley pee? Just no.

2. Pointed toe flats. Ladies, we’ve decided that one more year of boring ballet shoes that make your thighs look heavy and do nothing for the appearance of your ass is just the thing. EXCEPT….all of those rounded toe shoes were making you far too comfortable. We’d like to make sure that you now look like a limping court jester with tree trunk legs. You’re welcome.

3. The timeless watch–unbeknownst to me, heirloom watches come from the costume jewelry department of Nordstrom. Who knew? First and foremost, if your watch doesn’t have Star Wars on it, I’m not interested. Second, who looks at a watch for the time anymore?

4. The footbed sandal. No joke, this is what fashion is now calling the Birkenstock. The original make your ass look like Fred Flintstone, don’t leave it in the sun, paint your toenails but still have man feet, comes in two colors–bulldyke and doesn’t give a shit old hippie high school teacher, Birkenstock. Now, I’m not saying I hate a Birkenstock, but calling it a “footbed sandal” and photographing it on the size 5 foot of a 16 year old fashion model in a Nordstrom ad DOES NOT MAKE IT PRETTY. It certainly isn’t a “must have” for spring.

5. The crisp shirt. This photo depicts a woman wearing a perfectly pressed white cotton shirt. I know for a fact that this is a cartoon and not a real photo and here’s why–you can’t see her bra in this photo. I have been on a lifelong quest to find the perfect white shirt that you can’t see my lingerie through. The conclusion? Can’t be done. Buy prettier bras. Second, there’s not a stain on that shirt. Every grown ass woman knows that you can’t wear a white shirt for longer than ten minutes without getting makeup, coffee, tomato sauce, whatever on it. The white shirt is a lie. In conclusion, the “crisp shirt” cannot be a springtime “must” because it “must” be ironed!! The last thing I want to do when the weather gets warm is stand over a steamy iron for shit’s sake?

6. The “Sport Oxford.” Yes, this just happened. A shoe manufacturer put a men’s dress Oxford shoe on a a white running shoe sole. Let me say this again–the powers that be at Nordstrom believe that, not only is it a good idea, but that it is a MUST for women to wear an uncomfortable, stiff, clumpy men’s dress shoe with a tennis shoe glued to the bottom of it. You know, for kickin’ it. I got a creep shiver so hard that one of my vertebrae snapped out and was cleverly caught in the waistband of my barbed wire thong panties (recommended by the same fashion forward designer as last spring’s must have).

7. The lightweight knit. There is a superb description of an item of clothing that seems so revolutionary and necessary that I was shocked, upon clicking on the link for “shop lightweight knits” to discover that Nordie recommends that I buy a sweater, yes, this is a new euphemism for “sweater.” Now you know.

8. The pleated skirt. Well, thank goodness I don’t have hips or thighs (cough) because pleated skirts are back. Forget that the only girls that make a pleated skirt look like a schoolgirl fantasy are school aged girls. Forget that when you take the skirt to the dry cleaners they will charge you a dollar per pleat to press it. Forget that if you are any height other than fashion model height you can’t lengthen or shorten a pleated skirt without making it look like a home ec project. Focus on the fact that every woman above a size zero looks like a fat sow in a pleated skirt. I’m hoping for the chance to wear one with my sport oxfords and repel all mammals with sight and some without sight whose dogs have taste.

9. The structured bag. Ladies, if you have thought all your adult life that putting all of your earthly belongings into a leather abyss that you hang from your neck could be vastly improved by adding an organizational paradigm to said abyss, you might think that your prayers have finally been answered. Wrong. When a designer decided to add ‘structure’ to a bag, they didn’t mean ‘infrastructure’. They simply meant that the sides of the bag would now be hard leather rather than soft. No compartments, no added pockets, no (and don’t steal this idea because it’s mine) feature where, upon opening the purse an LED light turns on like the refrigerator illuminating the contents so that you can find your MAC lipstick among the thirteen other lipsticks in the bottom of the cesspool, nope. Just stiff sides. For $1700.00.

10. The espadrille wedge. In case you are a straight man (um, why the hell did you just read all this shit about fashion, you weirdo) or a woman who has real world problems, an espadrille is a light, comfortable sandal shoe woven from hempy rope. It’s beauty lies in the simplistic facts that it weighs nothing, is as comfortable as a slipper and can be purchased at a flea market from a bin where you pick your size by trial and error and negotiate the price in either pesos or oranges. This spring, the fashion powers that be have determined that an espadrille should cost $200. They have also determined that it could be vastly improved by the addition of an inflexible platform and a SIX INCH HEEL. How do you attach a weightless rope shoe glued to a three pound step stool to your foot? Well with an uncomfortable metal chain fastener, of course. What could possibly be more necessary than that.

Since the marketing department at Nordstrom is obviously in a parallel universe where everything stupid is a “need,” I respectfully suggest that you hire a woman who lives here on Earth to amend your list and re-send.

Sincerely,

Pam