Let’s be clear about something. Shakes should be made of ice cream. Only of ice cream. Not of protein, not of yogurt, not of fruit. Ice. Cream.

I don’t want to see the nutrition information on a liquid that you are calling a “shake.” Not the protein to carb ratio, the amount of calcium, or any other detail that convinces me to consume your melted warm powdery oyster textured sweety goo instead of a cheeseburger for lunch! The best thing about a shake is its ability to combine calorie rich foods into a happiness substrate. With a straw.

Why do you drink your meals? Do you hate your teeth? Are your bowels lazy? What did real food ever do to you?

I only drink shakes made with ice cream and I only drink juice that can be mixed with vodka. Really. If vodka is your juice’s friend, we’re a go. For the record, vodka loves cranberry, orange, grapefruit, pomegranate, and even tomato juice. Vodka hates all semi liquid concoctions masquerading as “juice.” If it has a vegetable in it, it’s SAUCE. This is food 101. Fruit blood=juice. Vegetable blood=sauce/consommé/purée. Mammal blood=blood. Fish blood=shit, that’s blood too. But somehow it’s grosser because it can’t be made into delicious sausages.

If you drink your meals in the form of a reconstituted powder, you should refer to the concoction as a “Liquid Meal Replacement Substrate (from concentrate).” That is all.