Facewash – A Parenting Play in Two Acts


Last evening, while unpacking a bag of toiletries from the store. . . .

Me: Hey, boys. Put this in your shower and use it on your face.

The Ginger: Um, I don’t think so. It’s kind of inappropriate looking.

Me: There’s nothing inappropriate about face wash. It’s great for blackheads and I bought the mens’ version so it doesn’t smell like a “Chick Product.” Use it.

The Giant: Nah. It looks insensitive.

Me: I’m not trying to be insensitive. There are blackheads on your nose. Use the wash. I love you regardless of the status of your pores.  Female society at large might not share my unconditional approval.

The Giant: No. It is black. I’m not using a black face wash.

Me: Nobody is going to SEE you in the SHOWER, you jackass.  You rinse it off.

The Giant: Blackface is inappropriate and insensitive even in private, Mom.

The Ginger: Yeah. Just so you know, this is definitely turning into one of those stories that I will tell my grandchildren–the time my mom made me put on blackface every day in the shower.

Me: Put. It. In. Your. Shower.

The Giant: This “Yes, Ma’am” is brought to you by a conscientious objector.

The Ginger: Yeah, I’ll feel so dirty about getting clean.

This morning, as I’m pouring myself a cup of coffee, the Giant enters the kitchen looking serious. . .

The Giant: I feel TERRIBLE.

Me: <panic> How?! Where?! Did you barf?

The Giant: It’s just. It’s just that I feel like. . . like I’ve seriously wronged a significant group of people. My face. My face just feels. . . . racist.

The Ginger, slowly coming down the stairs, acting like he’s melting into the floor.

The Ginger: I’m soooooorry Democratic paaaartyyyyyy. . . .

Me:  You DO understand that inferring that a racial sensitivity is specific to a political party is ridiculous, right?

The Giant: You DO understand that the ridiculous fruit is landing right underneath the ridiculous tree, right?

I slid their ommeletes on their plates, grabbed my coffee mug and left the kitchen and heard. . . 

The Giant:  I’m thinking we should let up or she’s going to make us eat cereal for dinner.

Then. . . Loud fork clink.


About peik

What's to say? I'm a chronic fun seeker and life marrow sucker. I live in an ancient brick house in a darling town with my perfect and tolerant husband, my two amazing teenagers (The Giant and The Ginger) and two blue Danes (Oliver and Periwinkle). A lover of obscure roadside attractions and museums of oddity, I travel, write, laugh, make friends, write letters, sometimes run, eat great food and drink good whiskey. I've never had a bad journey and every single day is my grandest adventure.
This entry was posted in confessions of the Weird and Unashamed, Teenagers - one eye roll from certain death and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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