My Garmin Must Die.

Since the Ragnar Trail Relay was sixty days away and I recently stumbled upon the knowledge that all of my teammates were training a little more diligently than I, I decided to do something drastic—I made a schedule. I researched traditional half-marathon programs, trail relay programs and sixty day accelerated programs and came up with a hybrid schedule that I could live with. I won’t be breaking any land speed records, but hopefully I’ll outrun the ticks.

ragnar hurl

Six days a week, we wake our teenagers up at 5:00 for a family workout. It’s as charming and lovely as you can imagine <sarcasm>. And since the family runs on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I shifted a traditional Tuesday/Thursday long run Saturday schedule to the left so that I can at least START my runs with Kev and the boys (they’re pretty wretched by the end of the workout, anyway, so I am not missing anything by finishing alone) and I can get my long trail runs done on Friday when the trails are less packed—because I’m blissfully underemployed, this works for me.

youre a monster

Monday morning this week dawned the first day of my Nine Week Ragnar Push (yes, I named it) with 3.5 miles of 1 minute intervals. I had never used the intervals function of my Garmin before, but I felt that it was time to learn. I prepared the evening before, hunched over the ridiculous device programming the intervals. This was kind of a big run for me, being a drastic change from the “run when you want, as far as you feel like” regimen that I had been rocking for a few weeks. The boys were set to run 30 second intervals at the high school track, so using an online mapping program, I mapped the distance from the school to my house (2.5 miles) and planned to run intervals with the pack for a mile at the school then run intervals home while they drive. In a warm car. To a waiting pot of coffee.

garmin staring

I had a new playlist of quirky run tunes. I was KILLING it on my intervals. I looked HOT in my LuLuLemon long sleeved shirt that covers my muffin top. My thighs were burning, and Greta (this is my Garmin’s first name. I name all electronic devices. It feels better to lecture them like misbehaving dogs when they act up than acknowledging that it could be MY problem) was working like a CHAMP. She was chirping to let me know when I had three seconds to go, vibrating a little to let me know when to transition. All in all, I couldn’t have been having a better first day of training. Then it happened. I could see my street up ahead and I looked down at Greta to see whether I could start my cool down. And she said 2.93 miles. TWO POINT NINE THREE MILES?!?!?!?! Are you shitting me?!?!?! I had been running my ASS off. How could I not be done? In my head, I revisited the evening before when I had mapped the distance between the school and my house. Could I have put in a weird route? Could I have made some circuitous mistake that <shit, interval-SPRINT you lazy ass> made the distance further than it actually is? Then I started lecturing myself for not driving the route. I should have Googled whether MapMyRun was accurate. I should have used YahooMaps <aaaah. You can jog now. You’re almost there. Don’t walk. Walking is for losers. > I should have walked the dogs to the school with Greta on so that I had a more accurate measurement. Did I take a short cut? <just go around the block. Maybe the distance between houses is further than you think> Have a just discovered a new, faster way to drive the kids to school? <Fuck. Sprint AGAIN? Greta, you bitch> What about that HILL in mile two? If I quit now, can I say that it was a very hilly run so I had to compromise? <PUSH you jackass. PUSH. You gave birth, you can do a one minute interval!> In the end, I went around the block FOUR TIMES and didn’t quit until Greta grudgingly gave me the 3.5 that I was so desperately seeking. BUT THIS IS NOT THE FUNNY STORY.

garmin morgan

This morning, I was scheduled to run three miles with 10 minutes of tempo running. This was perfect. I had newly discovered (thank you Monday) that the house was more like two miles from the school than 2.5 and their run was a mile—perfect. The run started pretty much the same way as Monday’s had. And, yes, I washed and wore the same shirt. It covers my love handles. I might wear it every day. I drove to the school with the family, we all ran the first mile together and when they peeled off to the car, I ran home. Oddly, though, when I was about .6 miles from the house, I had already reached the 3 mile point. . . . what???? How could this be? Where could I have miscalculated? Did I miscount track loops on Monday? Did I miscount track loops today? What had I. . . . . oooooooooh crap. NOW I get it. Greta doesn’t track the distance you travel between your intervals. Only your sprinted distances count. The bitch turned my 3.5 mile first day of training into almost a 4.5 mile day of 1 minute sprint intervals. If I could afford a new watch, we would be going to Reno to get a quickie divorce.

garmin trail

About peikleberry

What's to say? I'm a chronic fun seeker and life marrow sucker. I live in an ancient brick house in a darling town with my perfect and tolerant husband, my two amazing teenagers (The Giant and The Ginger) and two blue Danes (Oliver and Periwinkle). A lover of obscure roadside attractions and museums of oddity, I travel, write, laugh, make friends, write letters, sometimes run, eat great food and drink good whiskey. I've never had a bad journey and every single day is my grandest adventure.
This entry was posted in confessions of the Weird and Unashamed, Just Being Me, Run Pam Run and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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